I think my 'friend' might hate Jews

Dear Golda Advice Column #2: Can I still hang with my anti-Zionist BFF?

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Dear Golda,

I have a close long time friend for more then 2/3rds of my life who keeps insinuating I should be doing more to support Palestinian statehood in our conversations. My friend doesn’t seem to overtly support Hamas, but I’ve seen her share videos on social media that are clearly propaganda and she’s reshared quotes from celebrities, like Mark Ruffalo, that I view as antisemitic.

I’ve explained to her that I have empathy for the plight of the Palestinian people caught in the middle of the war, but that I support Israel’s right to defend herself by eliminating Hamas, and by doing everything they can to rescue the hostages. She has never been vocal on any other international political issue, so this has all felt very personal to me. It seems like she wants me to say and do things that I am not comfortable with and I don’t think she realizes how uncomfortable she’s made me lately.

-Proud Jew feeling betrayed

Hey Betrayed. Welcome to the dumpster fire that is our lives in the diaspora since October 7th. Be glad this is a close friend, and not your significant other. I’ve heard more then a few stories of married people with kids in interfaith relationships, especially those who never thought religion or Zionism were important to either person, who now can’t stand the sight of each other due to these very issues.

Here are my thoughts on this. I have respect for your friend who’s been relatively candid with you in regard to their stance on this issue. At least you have an opportunity to respond. That said, it’s tough when anyone, especially a close friend, subtly accuses you of being immoral because of any political stance you believe strongly in. Unfortunately, many non-Jews don’t understand that this isn’t just a political issue for us, it’s an existential moment that has to do with the survival of not just ourselves, but our children. They may not realize how deep the hurt and betrayal feel when they ask questions which, to them, may not sound hurtful.

Although it might sound harsh, you’re probably never going to bridge this gap with your friend. It’s up to you how much and for how long you’re willing to try. I’m usually not a strong advocate for cutting people out of your life who you may disagree with, but I draw the line on this issue because we’ve seen what can happen when antisemitism is allowed to run rampant in the world without consequences. My rule of thumb is this: if you want to be my friend now, I don’t want to think twice if you’ll hide me in your attic if the shit ever really hits the fan.

I can have many acquaintances, and I am willing to have polite and civil conversations with nearly anyone, but I am not willing to let anyone into my circle of trust unless I am sure that they disavow acts of terrorism and rape as legitimate resistance. That may not sound like a high bar to jump over, but hot darn haven’t we all been surprised lately by how extreme people we thought we knew have become in their beliefs.

No matter what happens, do not despair. You will continue to forge new and meaningful relationships throughout your life, with or without your “friend.”